I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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