"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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