I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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