I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
