i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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