I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
