Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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