You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
