thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
