Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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