Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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