im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
