Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
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How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
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I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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