either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
