ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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