i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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