Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
