I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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