Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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