I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
