just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
