My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
