I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
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she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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