I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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