he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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