That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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