I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
