There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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