Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
