Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
