OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
