Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
