I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My pussy is not your playground.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
