Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
