Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
