Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize