i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
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In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
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And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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