She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
