i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
