Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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