overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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