I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
