My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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