He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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