Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
