whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
