thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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