I just cut my nipple shaving
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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