first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
