my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We have so much sex to catch up on
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
