I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
