Where is the hickey?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
