At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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