Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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