Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
